i am very irritated.
yes.

“i want to be with Maggie Nguyen-
i love this girl to death and want nothing less than to be with her. she makes me a better person. Ill do anything for her, and this year and hopefully for the rest of our lives, i can spend my days proving it….”

“Little children, headache; big children, heartache.”

– Italian Proverb

01.
12.15.2008:
_________ He’s mine, you cant have him lol .*.~. 3:23pm – Comment
1.1.2009:
_________ is STOKED SINGLE & loving it also is ready to get down to the drinking… . 5:42pm – Comment

02.
12.27.2008:
________ is ♥”Franchesca”♥. 11:31pm – Comment
12.28.2008:
________ is listed as in a relationship with “Franchesca”. 1:57am – Comment
________ has added “Franchesca” and 10 other people to their Top Friends.
12.29.2008:
________ is listed as single. 7:02pm – 10 Comments
________ has updated their Top Friends. 8:07pm – Comment

03.
12.9.2008:
________ is listed as in a relationship. 10:20pm – Comment
12.13.2008:
_______ is listed as single. 12:30pm – Comment
12.30.2008:
_______ is listed as in a relationship with “Brandon”. 7:53pm – Comment

04.
1.1.2008:
______ is dont trust a hoe…..seriously dont… 4:03am – Comment
______ is listed as in a relationship with “Tracee”. 2:02pm – Comment

05.
4.5.2007:
_____ is listed as engaged to “Preston”. 1:14am
4.21.2007:
_____ is no longer listed as engaged. 4:31am
1.1.2008:
______ is listed as in a relationship with “Michael”. 2:16pm – Comment

06.
8.17.2007:
_______ is listed as engaged. 12:19pm
7.31.2008:
_______ is listed as in a relationship. 4:25pm – Comment (with someone else)

07.
12.27.08:
_________ is listed as in a relationship. – 10 Comments
1.2.09:
_________ is listed as single. – Comment

08.
me.

11.6.2008:
Maggie is listed as single. 11:02pm – Comment
11.10.2008:
Maggie is now friends with Dj V. 7:09pm – 1 Comment
11.17.2008:
Dj might have met her. 5:54pm – Comment
11.28.2008:
Dj is listed as in a relationship. 1:13pm – 13 Comments

guess im no different from the rest of them.

“And the skies are not cloudy all day……”

“You say you love the sun but hide in the shade when it shines. You say you love the rain but open your umbrella every time it rains. You say you love the wind but close the window each time there is a breeze. That’s why it scares me when you say you love me…….“

yesterday was pretty interesting. you really don’t know someone until you meet them through someone else’s eyes. i met vance yesterday formally and learned a lot. it was a bittersweet feeling- he was genuinely happy for his friend but sad that he didn’t have what we do.

i don’t blame him.
i’ve remembered being jealous of my own friends so many times for their happiness, wishing i could have it too.

“you say you’re looking for someone who’s never weak, but always strong:

he talked about what kind of person dino was before he met me, almost immediately before, in fact, and how he is slowly becoming a better man because of me. and i believe him. he thinks i’m different from anyone he’s ever been with, and that was the biggest thing for me. i don’t yearn to be different, but i don’t want to be anyone he’s known. he told me that dino constantly talks about how much he loves me. it makes my heart swell that someone out there cares so much

and it’s not just out there,
it’s right here.

seeing his smile made me melt. it makes me melt, every time. what is it about that smile that makes me think i changed the world? every time i look down and see that smile i feel like i’m the most beautiful thing in the world. that nothing matters but this moment, shared with him. that this smile is the only smile i need to ever see.

“someone to close his eyes to you, someone to close his heart….”

i want to fall asleep to that smile so badly. i want that smile to touch my cheek when i’m laying down. i want that heart to beat on my back while crickets chirp outside in the summer night. i want to breathe his air into my lungs and squeeze his hand tight when we make love. i want to lean my chin on his shoulder when he reads a book, or draws a picture, or watches tv, or does nothing at all.

i want him to wipe my tears. i want our tears to mix together like they did when we laid in his bed that day, until we didn’t know whose tears were running down our cheeks. i want him to lean his head on my back when we’re in pain and sit in the dark. like we did in that parking lot.

i want him to see my heart beating in his hands. i want “i love you” to be the last words i say every night. for my eyelashes to brush his cheek when i wake up. i want to make a new scent. the scent that our sheets will be. the scent that our house will be. i want to kiss him this exact same way in fifteen years. forever.

i want it to be quiet. just me, him, and the eyes of god. i want to be right in god’s eyes. i want him to see us for what we really are. but as long as god knows, why should anyone else? as long as god knows, why do we have to struggle, why do we have to wait? why do we have to worry?

i want our first time to be like in the movies i hate watching so much. i want the only words spoken to be “i love you” in the dark.

what does god want from us?
only june carter knows

“I know I’m gonna love you, baby, once before I die
Know I’m gonna love you, baby, and I ain’t gonna cry
There’s a time to live and a time to die
There’s a time to love and a time to cry…….”

vic⋅to⋅ry –noun, plural -ries.
1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle or war.

i’m in a really weird mood. i’m feeling determined as shit. i feel freaking invincible right now. i’m ready to take this world head on. i’m ready to punch it in the face and laugh because it didn’t see me coming. i’m ready to take over.

i feel fire in my veins. i know now more than ever who i am and who i want to be. i’m not like anyone else. and i don’t want to be like them. i am blessed with my strength, with my heart, with who i am. i am not weak like they are. i am moral. i am real. and i’m fucking proud of it. i’ve never felt more confident in my life…..

i see all these people and i know they don’t stack. they only wish they could be me. sure there’s people in the world that have what i don’t, but i will sooner or later and that’s the best part. everything i’m not and want to be, i will be some day. trust that.

i sound like a pompous bitch but i know what’s up and i know that i was put on this planet for a reason and i’m not going to waste this space. i’m not going to waste the air that is used up with every breath i take.

no, god did not use poor judgment when he made me…..

i’m going to be everything he’s ever prayed for, everything he’s ever dreamed. i’m going to make him forget what pain feels like. i’m going to turn his world upside down. i’m going to make him smile every day. i’m going to let him know that there isn’t ANYONE out there REMOTELY CLOSE to me. and whether or not that’s what and who he wants, he’s going to know it and never forget it.

i’m margareta le nguyen. and i am destined for greatness.

“for you and i are past our dancing days…”

William Shakespeare

this is a little story of a girl and a boy whose paths invariably met by something stranger than coincidence, something larger than fate, and something more nonsensical than fiction.

this is the story of a girl who looked out the window in her school annex with eyes half open, dreaming about the grass turning into skyscrapers, that roads would someday be made of actual pavement, that the sky would light up at night with wonder and mystery. but it was safe here. and she wanted to stay because she thought she was in love. and came so close

this is the story of a boy who had given up all hope of loving again. one who had had his heart broken so many times for nothing. one who was tired of being the only one like him. tired of being unique, tired of no one stacking up. one who was ready to leave it all behind. and came so close.

something told her to go.
something told him to stay.

something told her to go to a concert that day. she shouldn’t be home alone, and it could be fun. and she met him. no not him, but close. she didn’t know what would happen but she knew that meeting this person was going to change things.

she saw him again at a party. and the flash went off and caught her by surprise.
if not for that photograph maybe it would have never happened….

he saw her in the photograph and the world caught fire….

they talked for almost twelve hours. she didn’t sleep at all that night. she’d met someone interesting. for the first time in a long time. but where was it going? she was going through so much. there was no time for child’s play….

he saw her in the coffeeshop window.
it felt like just yesterday.

and they had the most amazing night you could ever dream. and though it was a mere walk down a street, a dinner in a store, a conversation at a book store, and an adventure at the grocery store, the stars never shined brighter than through his moon roof when she took his hand for the first time.

she laid her head on his shoulder and listened intently to every word he said. her eyes were on the brink of tears, her heart began to crush her sternum. indie music was playing and she felt his hand touch the back of her head.

love.

his first kiss on her forehead.

love.

and not more than a few days later he stood, half in half out her window and the moon glowed in the cold winter air and they held each other’s hands in the dark. she kissed him like she would never see him again. she whispered his name in the dark.

love.

in less than a week it was love.
in less than a week it was meant to be.

and it became rocky. the world seemed against them but they held on. she laid with him and held him for hours. he told her he loved her on a cold day in an abandoned building. and they made it through.

and it became rockier but they made it through.
and the rocks just kept falling…..

they stayed up late night talking about what their home would look like. what their kids would look like. when their wedding will be…..

the rocks just kept falling
but they made it through

over are those dancing days
to be continued…..

“How many times, must you watch me as I fall? I guess until I can’t get up on my own anymore….”

he came home last night and we talked. about everything we felt, i hope. and it came out that i wasn’t excited anymore. that those feelings of new love really were covered by fear now. it breaks my heart that it is this way. but we kept talking and…. i don’t know. we’re fine but i don’t know how.

he was freaking out at first. he was pretty sure the only option we have is to get married and soon. that doesn’t scare me at all but i know it’s not the right decision. he talked to his best friend and he seems to think that’s the only thing we can do. i really think that’s jumping the gun, but my heart keeps saying that i’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.

“What if we weren’t meant to be? What if God doesn’t want us to be together?”

I love him. Spending last night with him was beautiful and heartwrenching. He told me that our relationship would give him nightmares and unpleasant visions that haunted him. It was hurting him and it was me. It was me.

I love him with everything i am. His eyes, his hands, his tiny kisses on my cheek, his heart…..
his heart.

He tells me I’m beautiful every day.
And I believe him.

i hope with everything that it’ll be okay. it’s going to be difficult to give up that aspect of our relationship but it’s definitely not impossible. and i would do it a thousand times over it that means him being happy. problem is, he’s not happy with either of the options in which we’re given.

but for now. this is what we have.

“maybe i’m not supposed to be at peace…..”
i’ll break in half before i break your heart.

“i just want to get married already….”

i feel so numb right now. was it the thrill of the chase? the hiding in the shadows? is it the fact that it’s finally out in the open made me lose excitement? or was it the fact that he doesn’t want anything physical from me from here on out? i have no idea….

what’s going on with me? where did all those wonderful feelings go from last time. where was that feeling of newness, that fresh feeling of being in love? i love him with all my heart, and it wrenches at my insides now. i came so close to tears.

so many questions. did i make him feel pain? do i hurt him whenever we’re together? there is so much guilt between us both. our love is built on a foundation of guilt and fears slowly catching up to me. i have a shadow looming behind me of who knows what. can i forgive myself for how i made him feel?

i feel disgusting.

and i love him still.
what a different mood.

“All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you….”

Dino Antonio Valdez, Jr.

i love you, dino.
always.